I was really delighted to be invited by Anne Williams to speak again at the Kingston and Richmond Women’s Network last week. The topic was confidence and we had a lively and attentive group of local business ladies who created a real buzz at the Dysart Arms our Petersham Venue.
The Kingston and Richmond Womens network meet monthly in the evening for informal but focused networking and have a guest speaker for each meeting. More details can be found on their website http://www.kingstonwomensnetwork.co.uk/
I promised i’d post some of the details from the talk on the blog so here it is:
Confidence is powerful. Confidence is currency in your business. Wherever you go, wherever you speak; meetings; networking events; conferences; everyday phone calls or chance meetings, the all important deal clinching scenario, the level of confidence you portray has vital impact.
Why confidence matters:
· It makes your message more meaningful, powerful and memorable
· It transforms your message into something worth sitting up and listening to
· It is attractive and helps you stand out from the sea of your competitors
When we lack confidence everyday meetings phone calls and networking can leave us feeling anxious and downhearted and prevent us from truly making the impact essential for business success. In business we all know the importance of making a positive first impression.
Without the right balance of confidence and rapport we run the risk of not being taken seriously by our clients or worse still actually putting them off!
Even if our product or service is of great value, we need to be able to communicate that value to our clients and potential clients with gravitas that inspires trust and confidence in what we do.
Would you agree that Super man is pretty confident? Would you say the same for Clark Kent? Maybe it’s the lycra…some men might have a different reaction when put in a lycra suit! When we look at this man although fictional he has two very different personas, one confident, the other not so. This gives us a clue as to what we could consider to be the true nature of confidence.
Confidence is not just for the chosen few! Which is great news for you if it is something you sometimes struggle with.
One can have confidence at the level of identity. Many of us believe at a fundamental level that we are confident people and that pervades in almost everything we do. Yet confidence can also be context dependent.
Think about the last place you drove to, the chances are you confidently got in the car, started the engine and drove, probably didn’t give it second thought apart from checking directions. Those journeys you make every day you are probably even more confident about. You may also have oozing confidence when talking to trusted friends of close family. Take yourself into a different context, for example meeting a new client or having to give a presentation to a number of people and you might have an entirely different experience and how confident you feel might change
In my experience, almost without exception, everyone is confident somewhere in their lives. Many people, who do not have the belief that they are confident, have a great ability to delete (forget to pay attention to) the experiences in their lives where they demonstrate confidence. So confidence is context dependent and what matters is recognising that and noticing when it is present and those situations in which we would like more of it.
There is an alternative type of confidence, not just at the level of Identity. Confidence is something you do!
With a little preparation and the know-how, the behaviour of confidence is accessible to anyone in any situation. Now i’m not suggesting pop into the nearest phone booth and squeeze into blue and red lycra every time you need it, there are easier ways!
It’s important to understand your own brand of confidence.
The state of confidence is a combination of mental attention, physical behaviour and physiological responses that produce feelings or emotions and create a certain set of behaviours and results.
When you look at it like that, given the right combination of these elements, confidence is replicable time and time again, so that with a little practice and a little diligence you start to develop an even wider sense of confidence that reaches the level of who you are, not just what you do. Before long, Robert is your mother’s brother and you are a confidence person in business and reaping the rewards.
Your brand of confidence will be different to everyone else’s and rightly so. To start to understand more clearly what your own state of confidence involves simply ask yourself what you will see, hear and feel that tells you that you are confident. The more detail you can go into the better.
One you know in detail what your body does when it’s behaving confidently then you can start to replicate it more often. You might also consider what are your predominant thoughts when you are feeling confident, where is the focus of your attention, and so on. Start to build a really clear template for confidence, understand it inside and out and begin to recognise when it happens.
5 common confidence sappers
- Comparison
- Dwelling on Knockbacks
- “They’re out to get me” thinking
- Placing your attention in the wrong place (i.e on you not on them)
- Wearing the wrong shoes!
There’s a little more on how to overcome these and more below What you do on the inside is important.
What you presuppose has an impact. It can be all too easy for us to get into an un-resourceful train of thought. We can assume that the person we are engaged with doesn’t really want to hear what we are saying. It is a common misconception in unconfident public speakers that their audience is somehow out to get them, waiting for them to trip up or make a mistake. In my experience people are, in essence, kind hearted and usually want you to succeed.
It is likely your customers have approached you because they are already interested and they want the process to be easy and enjoyable. That doesn’t mean they won’t ask probing questions or put you on the spot, but if we presuppose that this questioning is driven out of curiosity and ultimately wanting to buy from us, we can quickly find the nature of our response changes from one of defensiveness or nervousness to one of educating, sharing and enlightening our clients.
The secret to being universally interesting is to be universally interested. Genuine curiosity and interest in someone else, coupled with quality listening, switches on the confidence and capabilities in others (which rubs off on you by the way), it increases the amount of disclosure and enhances the positive experience someone has with you. People will remember how you made them feel.
Where you place your focus of attention in life is all important both in ensuring a positive outcome to your interaction and in maintaining your level of inner confidence. So pay attention to what you are paying attention to. Are you, for example, noticing all those times when you say the wrong thing, make a mistake, don’t make the sale, miss an opportunity or say something embarrassing? Or are you placing your attention where it can better serve you; on your successes, on the positive responses of customers and friends on the things that are working for you in your life and your business?
Placing your attention in the moment when engaging with someone is equally as important as setting your internal search engine on the resourceful things in general. When engaging with someone else focus on the outside.
You are probably aware, as most of us are, of your internal chatter, that voice inside your head that either tells you how fabulous you are, or not! Your internal voice can either be your best coach and mentor or, if left unchecked, can nag you into a spiral of un-resourcefulness that literally leaves your knees knocking, your heart palpitating and you withdrawing into an unconfident heap in the corner. When you place your attention on the outside (that is using your senses to really notice the responses in the person you are speaking to) it has the wonderful side effect of quieting the internal chatter which can really help in maintaining the state of confidence.
The physiology of confidence – making your body work for you.
Confidence is a state of being and doing that is more familiar to some than others. The more you practice the state of confidence the more it feels familiar to your body and your brain. The more it feels familiar, the more you are likely to operate in that mode as your brain and body often take the most worn path, the path of least resistance.
Just like we all fall into a similar posture when standing chatting to someone or sitting at our desk or in front of the telly, so your body will start to form habits that you slip into at networking events, meetings, public speaking etc. It is important to be consciously aware of how our body is responding so that we can make small alterations which can have a dramatic effect on our behaviour and the results that we get.
Let’s look at the physiology of an anxious or nervous state. Nervous energy is usually driven by adrenalin and cortisol in the body. These are great agents that act primarily for your survival. At times of stress or anxiety when these hormones are produced in the body we go into what you probably know as the fight or flight response. You may experience some or all of these “symptoms” to a greater or lesser degree; increased heart rate, dry mouth, sweaty palms, muscle tension, butterflies in the stomach, shallow rapid breathing. Most of these effects are those that you might not consider to be confidence enhancing, so what can you do to counteract them?
Low and slow. Bring your awareness to your breathing. Breath lower (down in the belly or diaphragm rather than upper chest) and slower, concentrating on the out-breath rather than the in-breath. Slowing your breathing has the great effect of slowing down the rate at which you speak so can help with any tendency to gabble over your words. Breathing lower down creates a better quality of voice so you can avoid that high pitched squeak. It’s hard to feel anxious when your breathing is clam and controlled. Even if you don’t feel that way to start with, fake it until you make it, allow yourself a little time to draw your attention to your breathing and bring it back under control and your mind will soon catch up to thinking you’re in control.
Check your posture. Are you holding excess tension where you don’t need it? Have a good stretch, release any tension in the muscles of your neck shoulders and chest. Have you slumped to one side or adopted a nervous fidget? Plant your feet firmly, hip width apart. Anchor your energy down so you feel more grounded, visualising tree roots from the soles of your feet works for many people. Release any tension in your jaw and make sure you’re not jutting your chin out too far or have pulled it back into your neck too far. Keep your gestures even, symmetrical and to a minimum, but don’t force yourself to keep your hands still if you need them to talk, find a style that works for you.
Smile! People who are confident smile more, this is not a coincidence! If smiling is the result of confidence, it can work both ways, smiling can affect confidence levels. One of the reasons is that smiling can help produce very powerful agents in the body that reverse the effects of adrenalin and cortisol – Endorphins. Endorphins are super feel good agents and can greatly enhance our sense of confidence.
Back to basics
Consider your environment. You probably have those places and spaces where you feel more comfortable, notice where they are and make the most of them. For example I love being in nature and I find the effects of green spaces to be wholly beneficial for me and my clients, so I do the majority of my coaching outdoors. I also know that my energy is much better at the beginning of the day so I usually do coaching/workshops and trainings in the mornings and save the non customer facing tasks for the afternoon when I can be gentler on myself. Can you be more flexible in when and where you offer your services/have your meetings?
You wouldn’t run your petrol car on caffeine or diesel would you? You would very quickly stall or ruin your engine completely. Putting the right fuel in your body will make it easier to get the energy output you need and these basics can be all too easily forgotten. Keep yourself hydrated with water, avoid caffeine and too much alcohol and don’t skip breakfast if you want to perform at your best. It’s basic but it’s essential if you want to maintain the right state for optimum performance.
If you’re anything like me you probably have clothes that you slop around the house in that make you feel relaxed and comfortable, likewise I wouldn’t turn up to a business meeting in my PJ’s. Chose your clothing carefully, wear colours and clothes that make you feel fabulous when you know you are going to need more confidence and make sure your footware makes it easy for you to stand upright and move around easily without too much tension. Super high heels can look great but only wear them if you can carry it off without sacrificing good posture.
Once you have your external appearance sorted, you’re presupposing the right things about your audience, you have warned up, relaxed and grounded your energy then you can focus on your message.
Make sure your message has meaning! A meaningful message can transform even the mousiest of people. What you have to say has to be important to you, add value to your clients and be congruent with who you are.
Being confident in who you are and what you have to say is a birthright, yours for the taking and you owe it to those people for whom your message has value and importance to get across what you need to say with maximum impact. After all your services/products are worth buying aren’t they? They are going to help someone else? So do them a favour and confidently put your message out there.
For further words on confidence and more detail on some of the sappers listed above check out our previous post http://www.amovita.co.uk/blog/2009/05/do-you-have-the-missing-ingredients/
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
Well done Elizabeth, a really useful summary of the points we all need to bear in mind when we are getting ourselves out there. I particularly like the point about wearing the wrong shoes. They can really throw you off, can’t they.